I started with a simple A minor 4 chord progression in September of 2023 and recorded a few variations on my iPhone voice memo app. Later in the month I began to build up a rhythm track and added some bass and other elements until I had a verse/chorus outline. I improvised a chorus based on a melody I had developed and added that to the production.
My initial intent was to write the best pop hook I could muster. The verse is in C major and I ended up selecting instruments that were resonant of much of the synth pop music that was in vogue as I came of age in the early 80’s.
I continued to dabble with the song over several months and was further inspired by the events of October 7th of that year. This informed the outline of the lyrics. I felt conflicted and angry after the Hamas attack on Israel and was further upset by the uninformed memes I saw on social media. I was looking for a way to reconcile these feelings and find some common ground with folks that I didn’t necessarily agree with on the issue. But more often than not found myself avoiding social media and not engaging around the topic as it felt intractable.
While somewhat abstract, the lyrics of this song reflect my feelings at that time, and the notion that I have to contain my emotions for fear of conflict or an exacerbation of my anxious mental state.
Having to choose a position gives way to an avoidant fantasy. I hide my tears because of embarrassment and uncertainty.
And is often the case with my songs, the third verse ends on an optimistic note. I’m reaching for a solution to bridge the discordance and conflict I’ve experienced around this tragedy. It’s not that I’ve found an answer, but I’m committed to finding one.
My big takeaway from producing this song is that I need to be more agile in the future. I spent far too long on the production, tweaking little details that no one will ever notice. Some of this is fine, but I think my production skills will be better served by iterating and moving on to a new project faster.
I climbed a steep facade before I wrote this
I’m know I’m not prepared
Try to decide if I made right decisions
In face of some despair
Surrounded by a shroud of confusion
I’m looking everywhere
For answers that are so elusive
For everyone’s welfare
I never wanted to decide for free
I always gave it for a fantasy
You often asked me why I cried a sea
I never answered you because of me
Beyond the bubble and and the myth of freedom
We feel it isn’t fair
But now I know I can’t conceal it
Pretending to declare
So now that slowly time has passed a season
I sense a chance to clear
And sit in person with those that oppose me
And hopefully repair
I never wanted to decide for free
I always gave it for a fantasy
You often asked me why I cried a sea
I never answered you because of me
I stumble, trip and fall with my words
As I stretch for a phrase
To build a bridge of understanding
In place of our malaise
I never wanted to decide for free
I always gave it for a fantasy
You often asked me why I cried a sea
I never answered you because of me
(Never cried for fantasy
Often answered you and me)
